hello two-oh-one-five!

(Credits: Jeanne Yang Photography)

I have been too caught up with school-related stuffs as of late, hence the lack of updates. 

Mid 2013 to 14 is probably one of the toughest years of my life. I was literally at my lowest point. I've loved and I've lost, and it pretty much has a huge impact on me. The demise was rather abrupt, and totally unexpected. I've always wanted to spill the beans. Share my side of story because keeping it all to myself is killing me. Words got twisted around and no one truly knew what really happened (except for a trusted few). I've been wanting to actually talk about it, but I just can't seem to find the right time. 

So, is now the right time? I don't know. But it sure felt like it.

(ps, I was typing the whole ordeal midway and have decided to delete the whole paragraph because it's extremely low and frowned upon to air your dirty laundry in public)

I get to be labelled as the childish, unreasonable idiot but it's okay. You only know one side of the story. Your thoughts and impression of me doesn't seem to affect me anymore. I'm totally numbed by the pain. I've been at the lowest. Couldn't get any worse than that.

I can't seem to find the right word to describe the amount of emotional and mental torture that I've been put through. And I'm not even exaggerating. I've lost a massive amount of weight, and it's pretty noticeable. I started to isolate myself from my circle of friends and stopped doing that one thing that once made me happy (which I'm not gonna mention but the ones close to me may have guessed it correctly. Kinda obvious actually). I lost interest in every single thing I do. I lost trust in people. I've got issues. I live my life day by day. I sleep most of my time away (aside from work). There are even times where I had to resort to taking sedatives because the pain is too much for me to bear. 

"I think the worst part of it all wasn't losing him. It was losing me" - Taylor Swift.

How apt. No, I'm not suicidal or anything. Just in case you're starting to get the creeps and think I'm sick in the mind or something. But why, you ask? Why let something which has proven to be unworthy affect me so much? Like I said, maybe I was naive. I spent all of these years trying to make sense of everything. The truth starts to unravel after the demise. Cuts right through my soul. The more I give thought about it, the more I realised that there is just so many things about it that I'm clearly unaware of. People have been hiding things from me.

I have every right to feel that way. So who are you to judge?

Verily, with hardship comes ease (surah al-Inshirah). Alhamdulillah, I gained the strength and courage to get back up on my two feet again. I gained back the weight I've lost (in fact, I've gained much more than that), I started going out again and stuffs. It only made me realize that I'm worth so much more than all these negativities. I definitely deserve better. Duh? I'm glad things happened. Everything happens for a reason and He definitely has his own way of showing it to you. Believe and faith in the Almighty for He knows best.

I am a much happier person now, and life is in fact so much better when you've learnt how to accept the apology you never got.

With this, I shall bid goodbye to the past, and here's to a brand new year! Unlike any other years, I've decided not to have a list of new year resolutions because the past has taught me a valuable lesson - that anything can happen when you least expected it so I have only one resolution for myself. This year, I am going to be a better person than I am the previous years. And that, I will be.

Hello, 2015. I am ready for you.