Thank you

(Cr here)

Past few days has been extremely tough and totally excruciating in every way possible. Gonna privatise every part of this ordeal. For those with access, do read by clicking here. 

Was at my absolute lowest. Had waking nightmares, slept intermittently and woke up every single time hyperventilating, lost all the appetite to eat, and was literally having panic attacks when it was time to go back to the place where it started. No doubt that I brought it all upon myself and I prolly deserved all of this. Just the thought of it makes me shudder right now. I just want to be cooped up in my room and curl up like a baby. I feel so incapable of all the responsibilities. I feel so inadequate. I had hoped that the ground would open up and swallow me whole. Up to this point, I somehow still wished it would. And it's not because I couldn't face the consequences, but it's because all these negativity is so overwhelming, it's eating me up inside. I don't know how to get past this.

The point of this post here right now is not to constantly remind me of this ordeal. I mean, this is a chapter in my life I wished to close and never re-live and I would very much like to forget every single detail of this misery (except all of the lesson learnt, of course). This post is a dedication to all of the amazing people in my life I probably didn't deserve.

The Bf (Bestfriend), you know exactly who you are: Thank you for always, always having my back and for seeing the good in me in spite of every bad decisions I've ever made or spot I got myself into. Thank you for picking me up every single time I'm at my lowest. You're the one person I know who would literally drop everything and be with me all the way whenever I needed you. I'm so glad that you're still by my side even after a decade. So blessed, so grateful to have you. Thank you.

The Boyf (Boyfriend) and I hope he knows who he is: You, my love, are that person who'd do anything and everything for me. Thank you for constantly showing me my worth and what I'm worthy of. Thank you for always, always putting in the effort to be by my side at every chance you could get. You've been really amazing and I don't know what I've ever done to deserve you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and irrevocably.

Everyone who texted to check on me: Thank you for showing me so much love and care. For reaching out to me, ensuring that I am alright. For extending all of your prayers and heartfelt messages. For reminding me not to be too hard on myself. For comforting me, telling me that everything is alright. You probably didn't realise it, but it means so much to me and I really appreciate it a lot. Thank you.

All of the upper hand: For being there with me through every step of the way. Thank you.

And if you're all wondering why I did not mention family, it's because they were not kept in the loop for very personal reasons I chose not to reveal here.

The end felt really relevant and highly applicable. But I guess everything happens for a reason. Thank you Allah for easing all of my affairs.